I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
