Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
