i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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