break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
