the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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