i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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