just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
