the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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