thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
did i walk over a car last night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
