That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
