omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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