From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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