somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
