If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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