god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
