we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
