Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
