mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
