Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
