Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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