new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
