I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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