I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
