somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize