it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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