Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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