watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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