before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I supernannyed him into submission
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
