How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
