pop tarts are not kleenex
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
