That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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