i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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