Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
