hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize