Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
