it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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