peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
