I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
