Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
