drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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