she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
