she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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