How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
