You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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