god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You just made me feel so damn special
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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