he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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