Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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