i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
