dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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