i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
