How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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