Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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