Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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