If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My vagina just clenched in fear
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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