I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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