Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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